Kuvissa Ria Malva,

Satenkaari Avatar,

Kätilö ja

kahden lapsen Äiti.

Ria kirjoittaa tässä kokemuksestaan englanniksi ja siitä mitä se merkitsi hänelle.

 

"When I was having the bodypaint session with

Laurelina

I looked at myself in the mirror and asked shyly ”Am I too much?”

She answered with a big smile ”Yes you are, beautifully too much”

This encounter has stayed deeply in my heart, and I have felt the resonance of her words in me. What does it mean to be too much? Am I really THAT much? And finally I grasped some of it.

My core wound has been that I’m wrong/unworthy/not enough (can anyone relate ). So many times conflicts, rejections and judgments have pushed my core wound flooding with pain and wiping me out like a tsunami.

So where did it all begin? Of course in my first relationships as a child. The little girl started to believe that she is not fully received because she is wrong or not good enough. She did not know that it really wasn’t about her, but about the parent not being able to receive her. She was full of life, joy, power, emotions, love, light and all of that was just too much. So the little girl got her core wound and built a box around her to restrict her presence so she would be easy to digest.

And for such a long time I have tried my best to be nice and easy (not doing a great job with that always anyways ).

So especially while relating with men, I have so many times been flooded with pain of not being good enough, when being rejected. And just now I reflected the first time ever that actually many times I was not being received as I was TOO MUCH. What a mindblowing change from not being enough to being plenty

So what the hell, if I’m not even that good at being easily digestible, why do I even try to do that anymore?!?

What if I could just own all of me? Even if it would mean that I’m not nice and easy, so not being always received? Even if my unapologetic precence would create uncomfortable feelings in others and even conflicts?

At least I would have more space to breath. To enjoy life, let creativity and love flow through me. So it really seems that I’m ready to break my own restrictive box more open. Beware, might not be easy to digest

 

So here I am, proudly TOO MUCH.

Bodypaint by Laurelina Romppainen / TABUNOA. Photos by Laurelina & me

TABUNOA

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